ok so i havent written in forever and im not really going to at the moment im just reposting something i wrote april-25-04 on my old xanga name, for reference later.. whats funny is I still totally believe in everything i wrote over a year ago. anyways, yea w/e ill write later even though its been months. i kinda miss it.

it.s so weird. i mean honestly think about it. its that undescribable feeling. you kno "that" feeling. you may not have had it. most people have had atleast one person that gave them that feeling. the one that most people seem to have but cant describe it. how can almost everyone have it yet no one is able to find words to express the level of greatness it brings. and when you find yourself trying to describe it it just isnt as justifiable as you want it to. at this point im like all my friends have that one guy that they wanna spend the rest of their life with. and its not really about if they will marry the guys they are with now. its about that they care so much about them that they would wish to spend the rest of their life with them. i try to talk to most of them about it and they seem to understand the reality of it all. im not tryin to be negative. ive just never been in an relationship. the love they have for each other is so blind. and its amazing to see how happy they are but then your like do they also not see how miserable they are. they are stuck in a box. caught up in infatuation with one another. so unhappy. yet so increadably blind to it all. love amazes me. ive never even been close. i have such a front with guys. i dont kno why. i wanna find someone you kno, not so i can be like my friends but just because i need someone to count on. its like i love my friends but they are so oblivious to the world bc of there relationships. they dont remember anymore what its like. as much as they say they understand and they remember, they dont. you cant remember. you cant be with someone and rememeber how it feels to be alone. and im not sayin they forgot about me. im sayin that when you meet that guy that makes you nervous and you dont kno what to say. you just forget everything. its like when you hold there hand and that feeling goes from your hand all threw your body and you just forget. you forget what its like. i dont blame them. i wouldnt want to remember either. but honestly how many times can you handle hearin "it takes time" or "just wait" and "stop looking" wtf are you talking about. what do you mean wait. i kno that you dont have the answers. i kno that no one will kno how long they have to wait. but then you also hear to be more aggressive with guys and stuff. so how can you be aggressive but at the same time not worry about it. there has to be somewhere in between. but they dont have an answer bc they forgot. stupid cycle of love. its hard to not want it, yet i look at all my friends and wonder. i mean i kno they are happy but is love as satisfying as everyone makes it. i mean being with one person. kissing one person. but then again if that one person gives you that yet again, undescribable feeling then maybe it is all worth it. but then what if you find that one guy and you mess it up. before you really even had a chance you mess it up. and you dont get that feeling from anyone else. i guess you get the idea. you try to not think about them, but by trying so hard they are all you can think about. and all you can think about is what you would do different. i mean you kno it isnt love. im not there yet in my life. i regret alot. but sitting in class and talking to stephanie. we both just wonder what we are doing wrong. the only thing we can manage to do is sneak around with guys. secret relationships of different natures are a specialty of ours. but i dont wanna be that girl. i wanna be that girl that walks down the hall holding his hand. and everyone thinks about how they wish they were as happy as you.  theres so much that i dont even understand. i started keepin my mouth shut about this kinda stuff. i realized that telling people doesnt make it work. i thought the more people that would know about a relationship the realer it was. but its not. its you and that person. the other people dont matter. and that look that drives you crazy. no one else cares. its like when your tryin to tell a story that no one else finds funny. and you wish you didnt even tell it. a relationship is an unfunny joke. something that you should keep to yourself. you gotta have that mystery about yourself. you gotta make people wanna kno. but never let them. and i guess love isnt as great as everyone makes it out to be i mean like almost everyone is in love. and everyone that isnt wishes they were. no matter how much they deny it. they have that person they think about all the time. and i find everyone in love has lost that spark. that crazy spark you have at the beginning of a relationship. thats what i never want to lose. when my "time" does come if i ever lose that spark ill kno it isnt right for me bc you when you sit down and your not really happy with them but you love them then its not worth it. you have so many people you will fall in love with in your life that you honestly have to wait for the one that you cant live without. although at this point i guess i cant convince any of you that you will be ok in the end and you can live without them. but in the end my mind is blown away at the fact that i can feel like this. i feel like im in elementary school around you. you know what i mean. like the first time you relaize that boys dont have cooties. and you get that note thats like do you like me circle yes or no and you wanna circle yes but you watched those tv shows that said girls should play hard to get. haha. dang, we didnt kno anything as kids. the intincity of innoncence was amazing. and it took you like 10 mins to get ready for school. and you waited 15 mins for the swing next to the guy you like when there was one free. but you had to have the one next you him. i guess not much has changed b.c i kno more then once not necessarily just for me but sometimes for my friends we will take the back stairs and practically run 2 halls down so you can walk by him and smile. i guess happy or not we were just meant to fall stupidly in love. and if you dissagree i honestly dont care bc this is what i think. and most people see stuff differently then me.

lets just not worry about everything that has been going on lately and move on bc honestly that would be the best thing for everyone. its all over and thats great.

anyways

i need to start working on my english essay

topic = Welfare Recipiants should be required to do a certain amount of hours of community service in order to recieve money from government agencies.

cheerleading is over

i may drop alg3 im just not feeling it.

As for high shool in general, the immaturity is growing and the seniors are pretty much not mentally here. 4 more months and they are gone. Which has been a harsh reality for me. The fact that I am going to be a senior and then gone is not that far away. Although sometimes doesn't seem to be soon enough, but still my parents have been nailing college into my head. That I need to start looking at colleges to visit & what not. The fact that I'm taking sat's in 3 weeks doesnt help either. Dont get me wrong,  I cant wait to leave, but going south is where I honestly want to be. They are all about JMU at the moment because something about getting your masters in 4 or 5 years or something & I guess they have alot of options in majors, but I'm pretty sure I know what I want to be. Steph & I may go down to look at USouthCarolina during springbreak on our way home from FLORIDA. uggh only 32 days. Anyways, back to the college thing. Stephanie doesn't know what she wants to be & yea I'm not gonna make a decision on where to go to college just bc of my best friend but we both just wanna go to the south and man I dunno I guess I'll give JMU a chance. 

anyways much more later im sure.

peace out<3

. i dont think that could be anymore right.

so recap of this week so far.

monday-no school

tuesday- bad, bad, bad day. had my cosmo exam rescheduled to the next day & it wasnt suppost to be till friday. so i had that night to study & i had to go cheer. came home and studied for 4 hrs

wednesday- nervous the whole day over the cosmo exam, but raped it bc im that cool. 87 hell yea i was happy. then to the eyedoctor and it was snowing so it took 45 mins to get home from oysterpoint which takes like 15max.

thursday- no school bc of snow, went to court, pretty gay.

friday- 2hrdelay. then didnt do much in school took 2 tests in cosmo & then came home chilled went to poq & cheered for the boys we won. very rad. then came home

today- did NOTHINNNNNG

tomorrow gonna be studying all day & then watching the patriots vs steelers

mondo rad!

so yesterday i woke up & went to chesapeake & i got my dress. & well its orange but it looks good it really does. so dont say anything till you see it. first i had the magazine and 4 dresses tabbed off that i liked and so i was like just find me all the dresses in my size but i dont want a black or white or pink or blue dress & i dont like short dresses either. and she was like ok and she got a whole bunch and then she was like what about orange and i was like  and she was like just try it it wont hurt. so first i tried on this mint colored dress and it was ok & then i tried on this yellow one but w/ my blonde hair it washed me out. so i was like why the hell not ill try on the orange one bc the other ones were outside the door & it looked really good but its def bright. but i need to go tanning a lil bit. so then i got some shoes that were high enough so it wont drag and some jewlrey. so my mom dropped $400 down for all that << ahha. then I went to the wine store w/ my mom and she got me these wine bottles w/ marilyn monroe on it so that was cool. then i came home and watched some football. aka TOM BRADY that sexy quarterback! wow hes hot.

today i woke up and went to the dentist and now im cleaning my room then going to dinner w/ the family.

tuesday- cheering _ girls home game

wednesday- maybe going to the boys game??

thursday - court

friday - FIRST EXAM {cosmo} & cheerin for the boys

yea, and then next weekend STUDYING MY BUTT OFF.

still dunno about the car.. or about the whole trig situation.

i just cant think straight.

suppost to get my car today but weird stuffs happening so who knows i guess well see what happens w/ that whole thing.

couldnt find a ring dance dress today.. i think i might go to all the rage in va beach monday.

i wanna get that bright green rocawear jacket. noelle told me that no one would make fun of me. haha. i think ill be cool.

got medication finally, i guess well see if it works

 peace out

ooh yea and last night i cheered at the boys game and they won against jamestown which they shouldnt have but they did bc they are mondo rad & i tumbled for the first time in forever & then i cheered tonight & they won against york.